July 10, 2026 2:04 am

I tried to get some sleep tonight, but it’s just not happening. My nerves are still zapping me, but with less intensity than yesterday. So here I am starting another blog.

If you asked younger me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer would have been- “To get married, have kids and be a writer.” And the only part of it that wasn’t programmed into me… the only part that was what I actually wanted? To be a writer.

I don’t regret having children, just the circumstances when I had them. I was desperate to be loved and needed. I was an easy target, able to be manipulated and so very naive. And I carried that for a very long time, because I blamed myself for not being enough.

A month before my 24^th birthday is when I had my youngest and last. I had to fight to convince the doctor that I wouldn’t change my mind and want more children someday. I wanted to be sterilized permanently. And that was a battle I won. Thank the powers that be. Because I would be damned if I was going to bring any more children into this world, only to be abandoned by their father because he couldn’t be bothered.

For many years I wondered how my life would have turned out  if I had never had children. But then I would have missed out on having my youngest. As rough as our journey together has been, I wouldn’t change a thing about us. I am proud of us for surviving all the turbulent years and becoming who we are today.

I know she feels trapped in the life we have right now. I feel it too. We are not where we belong. We are not living free, fulfilling our dreams, and being with the people that light us up. However, that will change someday. She is still young, at 26. I want her to live the life she wants, not settle for the existence we have now. And I wish I could give that to her. But it always comes down to money.

As much as I want to believe love makes the world go around, money is where the power and control is. Money is what pays the debts owed, and gets us out of this country. If I had enough, I would send her out into the world to be with her significant other and live in a country where they don’t have to fear being their authentic selves. It would be hard for me to let go but that is what parents are supposed to do. And it’s not like I would never see her again. Thanks to technological advances we could stay in contact easily.

I have lamented many times how I just want to find peace. But that doesn’t mean I would be living a boring life. I wasn’t meant to be ordinary. Trying to conform to what society (and even some of my own family) thinks I should be is suffocating. The programming I’ve endured my entire life… I’m breaking it. I am nearly free of all of it.

None of us know how long we will have here. I can make an educated guess based on family history and genetics, but that’s only a small part of what determines how long a life is. And I have already lost 50 years of authentic living to the life I settled into because it was easier than waging war against those determined to be in control.

I have taken back that control, so the last part of my life is going to be lived for me. I finally don’t give a fuck what most people think of me. I may not be able to pack up and leave this country for the place I want to call home… but I will get there someday. Whether it’s England, Ireland or Japan. Those are the three countries I have felt called to throughout my life. One of them will be where I finish out this existence.

And it won’t be at some mundane job just to pay the bills. Living authentically means using the creativity I was blessed with. Speaking my truth with what I do best- writing and now painting. I am not right for everyone, and that’s okay. I don’t have to be. Yes the markets are saturated with other writers and artists. However that doesn’t mean I can’t claim part of it for myself. They are not me. They do not have my exact experiences to create from.

Not everyone is capable of creating from darkness and tragedy. From nothing. Not everyone can alchemize their pain and help others who may be struggling in a world that only wants safety, light and positivity. Not everyone can ask the hard questions or speak out against the oppressors. I’ve studied them for decades. I’ve learned the methods of their madness. I have survived what has destroyed others. And the people who are still trying to navigate the darker aspects of life? Those are the people I need to reach.

Even if I can only help one person. That would be enough. But I want more than enough. Because I know what it’s like to think there’s nothing left to hope for, no reason to keep struggling to survive in a world that is only trying to kill you. I don’t want to save people. I don’t have a god complex. I want to teach others how to save themselves. At the end of the day, we are the only ones who can. We have to decide we’ve had enough and take back control of our lives.

I’ve had help. I don’t deny that. I’m grateful for the lights that guide me every day. But the reality is, I am the one who chose to fight, who struggled, who kept surviving. Not without scars. Not without changing. But I am still here. Still trying. Still hoping. Still believing there is something beautiful in this world worth seeing and experiencing. For me it’s a song that makes my soul sing, a colorful sunrise, the feel of water running over my skin, a crow greeting me with a raspy voice that resembles my own, so many things that people can’t feel or see because they are drowning in doubt, self hatred and darkness.

I don’t want ordinary. I never have. And I don’t want perfection. I want authenticity. I want real. I want honest. And if that comes wrapped in darkness, insecurity and fear, then so be it. At least it’s real and honest.

Take the leap of faith. Even when you think your wings are too broken to fly. Even if you’ve never felt good enough. Because I promise you, I have always been here, holding space for you, even in the depths of my own abyss. I will tend your wounds and do what I can to heal them. You just have to want to.

Always,

Amanda