June 19, 2026

Two nights ago, I had a dream that I actually remembered. It’s so rare for me that I’ve only had that happen about half a dozen times in the last few years.

I was violently awakened from the dream, I don’t know why. But my head was pounding and felt like it was gripped in a vice. I paused my iTunes playlist on my phone. Then I stumbled into the kitchen to get a drink and noticed the light of my computer screen was glowing. I had put the computer to sleep before going to bed only a couple hours before.

I sat down at my desk and brought up whatever document I was working on last. Then, because the screen was too bright in the dark room, I closed my eyes and began typing. (Thank you high school for teaching me home row keys and for the decades of muscle memory)

The short version is- I was dealing with the people from Texas (my ex, his parents and the person he cheated on me with/ left me for). But this time I was burning with furious rage at them trying to foist their crap (in the form of unwanted belongings in the dream) on me, and trying to take things that were rightfully mine… and I refused to be put into a line of women with chains locked around them. I stood my ground and stood up for myself.  I was standing in my divine power. And I felt powerful. Not at all like they used to make me feel.

When I went back to bed I pushed play on the iTunes playlist again and realized it was Dictate by NUL. Which made me laugh because it’s a song about “keep going no matter what”. And yes it’s one of my life anthems.

I had started the previous blog (The Awakened One) the day before. It’s original title was Expanding on Another Kind of Grief. And it started out that way. But after that dream where I realized I was no longer willing to be chained and meek, controlled by people who haven’t been in my life for almost 6 years… I finally… FINALLY  felt free. I’ve finally broken out of my own Soul Cage.

They had 8 years of tearing me down and it took all these long grief filled years, trying to survive, to get to this point. The point where I am healing. Where I value and love myself. Maybe for the first time ever.

I know why I was afraid to listen to the new album, Artifact. I was worried it would be like when AVA was released. The walls came down and the flood gates opened… I nearly drowned in all the emotions, however it was necessary for me to do so. That’s when my healing journey began.

This album is different. There is one song that definitely brought tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart and it was the one that gave me the most difficulty with translating. But I enjoy the album greatly, the dance club beat tracks, the dark fantasy track that makes me blush a little, the hauntingly gorgeous one musically and vocally with the Latin in it, the one that I have to remind myself isn’t a new Hide song, the three previously released but remastered tracks, the one that has me infinitely curious about whether or not Hizumi got a tattoo and where he got it… if in fact he did.

My mood this week has been mostly happy, upbeat… more like the bubbly Gemini I used to be long ago before people and life tried to destroy the good in me. In fact today, at work I was so obnoxiously joyous that my grumpy boss banished herself to the cooler to get away from me. And my coworkers were a little bit intimidated by this version of me they have never seen.

Let them be. Anyone who can look at someone who is happy and find fault in it needs to take a hard look at themselves. I will never again let anyone tear me down for being who I am.

Will this joy continue indefinitely? Probably not. Life happens and I still have healing to do. There will be days where I’m exhausted and in pain (physically/emotionally). But it’s not today. It wasn’t yesterday. And that’s why the title and tone of yesterday’s blog changed. Because I am not mired in grief and helplessness anymore.

Yes I have done the actual hard work in healing and recovering. But I must give credit where it’s due, to those who have helped me along the way. I am in no way saying it was all Hizumi’s doing. But without everything I said in the blog yesterday, I wouldn’t be as far as I am on this healing journey.

My daughter and my bestie have been my greatest supporters and I am eternally grateful they are in my life. They know what they mean to me because I tell them as often as I can. Sometimes with words, mostly with acts of care and consideration. Listening. Spending time together. They are my soul tribe and in future incarnations I will search for them again too. They make me feel seen and loved… and I hope I do the same for them. I try to.

I told myself that I wasn’t going to clarify anything about the previous blog, but I do want to say this- I wasn’t saying I wished to be married to Hizumi.

I’ve avoided marriage thus far in my life and am not really looking to change it. I don’t think I would be very good at it. I can be self absorbed, I need time alone to use my wild imagination and be creative and I’m kind of cranky when I’m hungry or tired.

I have a dominating personality, a brain that I use to its full potential (I love a good intellectual conversation, yeah baby!), I’m magnetic and charismatic which can come across as flirty… most guys can’t handle that. But I have never once been tempted to cheat. When I’m with someone I am faithful and loyal until they give me a reason to end the relationship. No need to cheat. Just walk away from what can’t be fixed. And I’m a fixer… I always try to find a way (or a hundred) to fix things before giving up.

I always swore I wouldn’t follow in my parent’s footsteps. Especially my father who is on his fourth wife. Marriage for me is sacred and enduring. A truly lifelong commitment. It would take someone extremely tolerant and special to put up with me in that capacity for the duration. LOL

But I do want the online connection with him back. To start fresh, as who we are now and become friends. There are a lot of obstacles in our way- distance, language and communication styles, culture. But all of it can be overcome. We can learn to navigate those choppy waters. We did it before, we could do it again.

Unfortunately I can’t translate this blog either. I have to wait 12 more days to use the free version of the program that translates the best. Google sometimes gets it very wrong. Maybe I will eventually upgrade to premium but not yet. It might be worth it, as much translating as I do on my computer.

Anyway, thank you for reading once again.

Always,

Amanda