June 16, 2026 to June 18, 2026

This one took me two days and a lot of energy to write. I almost didn’t post it now, was going to save it for later. Hide it away a little longer and keep it safe.

Protecting myself. But I am done with that. There is no reason to do that any longer. I am a person who believes in being truthful to a fault. For too long I have stayed silent, lying by omission and it has never felt right.

If you’ve read my blogs you know what I’m about to talk about.

Hizumi.

Just typing his name brings a smile to my face, even as my heart lurches in my chest. I have regrets. I have felt self-hatred clear to my bones. I have blamed myself for so much that just was… no one was to blame. A tower moment happened.

Nineteen months of silence between us. And still a chasm in my life where our online communication used to live. I doubt he knows just how much joy he has brought to my life… and now how much heartache because of the silence. I don’t want him to know about the heartache. He has had enough of his own.

I’ve hinted about how I feel, in past blogs. But I’ve never just said it. The full bold truth of the matter is- I love him and I am in love with him. I have been for a very long time. There is no one else for me. And there never can be. No one can ever measure up to what he has been for me.

If you are thinking the two things are synonymous, they are not. I have love for friends and family and it’s important and fulfilling in its own right. But being IN love? I want to take care of him and his heart. I want to support him on a personal level as well as his professional one. I want to bring him joy and peace. I want to bring him comfort and ease. I want to defend him from everything bad in the world. I know I can’t, some things are inescapable… but I would fight for his gentle soul to never be scarred again. I’ve had 50 years of struggle and war, my skills are well honed. I can become the fierce warrior at a moment’s notice, though I only want peace and safety.

Where does grieving come in? I am grieving the loss of him in my life except on a superficial level. I still have connection to his music and his online posts (which are mainly career related). I am grieving our more personal bits of time talking about food (I was overjoyed when he finally shared the Imoni recipe with all of us!) and him encouraging me to not give up on translating lyrics even though I am not that good at it. I miss the him that used to tease me, like when I couldn’t put into words how the AVA album made me feel.

The kindness. The patience. I love him for awakening in me the feral woman that finally stopped putting up with less than she deserved. Because the way he treated me, even in that limited capacity, was exactly what I needed and had never found.

And I am in love with him because of it as well. Unconditionally. I do not say that lightly. This is not a game or a tactic. This is as real as it gets, and I am all about the truth. As much as it hurts to not be able to message like we used to (for whatever reason)… I love him still.  And not in that desperate “If I can’t have you nobody can,” way. I want him to be happy. Even if it’s not with me. Yes it will hurt, but if I’m not what he wants or needs then I can’t change it.

The fact that I can love so deeply after all I’ve been through is a fucking miracle. Those of you that care about me… you know he’s the reason I’m still in this world… still breathing, still trying day after day, still enduring the long nights when emotions take over and I wonder if I will be lucky enough to see another sunrise.

Hizumi gave me a reason to keep going, to keep trying, to keep fighting. Just by being who he is and writing the lyrics he does. Not just the persona he projects to the world, but the one no one else sees. The one I saw a glimpse of and felt behind the words on the screen. The one that filled the cracks in my heart after stripping away a life time of armor. The one who allowed me to be soft, vulnerable and real without weaponizing it against me.

He wasn’t even trying to save me, that’s the truth of it. He didn’t know, still doesn’t, unless he’s read any of my blogs. Which is highly doubtful.

Do I know everything about him? No. He’s a private person, as is his right. But I don’t need to know details when I know his heart, his soul. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I’ve never been one to care about money and status. What’s the point of it? Having a status like he does makes you a target for a lot of awful things… and it can be very lonely, not knowing who to trust with anything beyond surface level. Similar to my life but without me being in the eye of the public.

And money is nice because it pays the bills and makes life easier. But I’ve never had a lot of it and still manage to survive. What do I care about money? As long as I have a roof over my head, food to eat and a little bit left over to buy the things I want now and then… who needs more than that?

I can’t love anyone else with the quiet intensity, the soul deep assurance that if he loved me in return he would protect my heart. Just as I would protect his. I don’t trust anyone else enough for that.

Maybe you all think I’m foolish and just an obsessed fan. And nothing I say will change your minds, if that’s how you really think. You may think it absurd that I can love someone who lives half the world away, not knowing if he’s already married or not. If he is married, then its not meant for us in this lifetime. Maybe in the next one then.

Many people don’t believe in soul connections. But what else would you call this? He is my muse, he is my catalyst, he is my awakener, yes.

But by being exactly who he is, he also made me see that I was putting up with things I never should have. That I am worthy of kindness and encouragement. Technically we were strangers, online acquaintances that bonded over food, music and art. He was the exact opposite of what I had in my life. What I have needed, what I didn’t believe I deserved. A stranger treating me better than the men in my life who claimed to love me.

No they loved what I could do for them or give to them. They never loved me, my mind or my heart. They tried to break me clear to my soul and somehow I survived it all. Damaged and exhausted, but still here, still alive. And healing. I love who I am and who I am becoming.

I know he and I can’t go back to the Hizumi and Amanda of 2018 – November of 2024. We are not the same people. Trauma and grief have shaped us into who we are now and there’s no going back. “We can never relive the moments that have passed,” that line in Artifact, the title track of the new album. That message I had sent him at the end of 2025 saying how much I missed the lighthearted conversations we used to have. I have finally realized, we can’t be those versions of us again.

And then this one prominent repeating line in the song is – “Echoes fill my brain, yeah artifact”. That could mean echoes as in memories. And another line- You’re not alone here. There’s no walls anymore.  That’s what I said about the AVA album. It destroyed every wall I ever had. And I can’t build them again because I’m not that person any more. I refuse to try because that would cheapen the experience and rob me of a lot of progress I’ve made dealing with all the trauma of this lifetime.

You who care about me have him to thank for that. He did that with just his words that seem to speak of a life I have lived. Of hopes and dreams realized and lost, pain and heartache I have fought to live through. By being kind, understanding, intelligent, poetic, funny…

Sure, sure, you can claim it is coincidence. But how many coincidences does it take to make you realize this is a deeper connection? Five? A dozen? A hundred?

Some of you believe in God. I believe in the Universe and fate. We do not believe the same. I have tried several religions, read the bible, attended church… and found none of them align with what is true for me. Because I can’t follow a God that willingly allows the kind of suffering of his most beautiful creation- humans, that your God has allowed in this world.

Fate is not set in stone. Our actions, reactions, connections- they all can change the course of fate.

The universe is energy. Fueled by connections between souls. A place where choices matter and have consequences, there are lessons to be learned, in order to be the best version of self that you can be in each lifetime. But without the threat of eternal damnation if you don’t follow the rules. Fuck the rules. Just be a decent human being and do not harm others.

It is a hard journey and sometimes we are given connection with a soul that is similar to ours, similar human wounds, similar ideals… and the universe wants us to connect and learn from each other. Sometimes the human vessels those souls inhabit commit to a life together. Sometimes they can’t or won’t.

Sometimes the traumatic experiences, the way we were brought up by parents with their own emotional trauma, the heartbreak we have endured by other people who were never meant for anything more than a lesson… sometimes those things make a soul unwilling to reach for the best version of self, of connection with other souls that align with theirs.

But when those souls do come together emotionally, mentally, physically… there is nothing else like it.

And that is why I will love Hizumi and be in love with him unconditionally for what remains of this human vessel’s life. That is why my soul will search for his in future incarnations. Because he inspires me in more ways than just art. I will not ignore my intuition that is saying this connection is real and soul deep.

I don’t need confirmation that I’m not delusional or in need of an extended stay in a state funded institution. I’m not crazy. I am awake, feral and fully committed to this connection, even if we never talk or see each other again. Because I finally understand what my life here is for. I am worthy of love. I am loved. Deeply. Whether the words are ever said or not, I know it for the truth it is. Loved as I am.

Living this life as an American, the words have lost meaning because they are used and abused. Show me kindness, encouragement, reciprocity, openness, honesty, trust, loyalty… all of the things that really matter. I am more than willing to do the same for you. Words are meaningless without all of those things behind them.

I am meant for so much more than I have had thus far. I won’t settle again. I want what I want, who I want, the life I want. Connecting through our words and art. Aligning this soul’s purpose with souls who have similar purpose. I am a being of the darkness but also of light. Sympathetic to chaos, searching for peace that I hope to attain someday. I’m closer than I’ve ever been before, I can feel it.

Perhaps some would prefer I stay unawakened, meek and controllable… but you do with your life what you wish. I will not diminish myself for anyone again. I owe it to the me that survived when everything else tried to destroy her. I owe it to the one person who was able to reach parts of me I had forgotten existed and bring them back into the light. Hizumi. Ame no otoko. It’s worth everything I have ever endured, just to know him for a little while. And I am eternally grateful the universe brought us together, no matter the past, current and future circumstances.

Always,

Amanda