October 24, 2025 12:49 am

On Sunday, my (adult) kid and I went for a short hike at one of my favorite places in Iowa. It’s about ten miles outside the town I live in. It’s a county park next to the Iowa River, called Three Bridges. It’s a place that holds a lot of (mostly) good memories for me. I even filmed a very amateur music video there with a now former friend. (the Yuri blog)

But it also has a history of people doing bad things. Some have died out there, by their own hand. Others have done rituals (good and bad). It used to be a big party spot, and in the more recent past people have gone out there to deal drugs. Many people say 3B is haunted. I don’t doubt that it is. Yet I have never felt anything but peace there.

Some would say that just means I have no psychic ability, no empathy, that I’m not spiritual enough to sense it. An incorrect assumption. The difference is- I have never gone out there with the intention of doing harm in any way. I can feel the energy of the place. It’s not evil, though bad things have happened there.

I went there to see if the peace I’d always felt there still existed. It does. However, later that night, I was overcome by a melancholy that was hard to shake. I watched the outakes and the music video I created. The song itself brings about a bittersweet feeling in my heart. But the person I had helping me film scenes… we are no longer friends, though we had been like sisters for years. I ignored the jealousy and petty behavior she had toward me for a long time. Friends have disagreements… separations. But we parted ways permanently in 2022, my choice.

I have been doing shadow work in recent months. Trying to break the patterns of my life that bring me pain and heartache. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done, if I’m being honest. I have the reputation for being cold, distant, detached. I am anything but that. I have built walls very high in my life to try and protect a fragile heart, a person who only wants to love and be loved in return, a fierce, creative soul that has not only survived all the hell it’s been through but is now thriving. Those walls were decimated by AVA a year ago. But that doesn’t mean I’m not protecting my peace. I am selective on who gets to be in my life beyond surface level.

Some days are hard. Others are easy. In my real world I have one amazing, beautiful, very Capricorn friend, Janel. I have little to no contact with most of my family… but two very supportive, loving aunts and one cousin I feel close to, out of all the relatives I still have. Nancy (my father’s sister) and her daughter Jennifer. And Deb (my mother’s sister).

All of my grandparents have passed on.  My mother has passed on. My father disowned me 32 years ago. The majority of my cousins are either superficial online connections or in no contact. I’ve never met my mother’s four youngest children and we never formed a bond online. My younger brother, (my father’s second son) disowned our father and hasn’t been in contact with me for decades.

I tried to be friends with a couple of coworkers. They were both alcoholics battling demons of their own and the friendships ended when they quit the job. One has lost her battle and passed away from alcohol induced organ failure in August.

Online I have 3 amazing people to converse with- KitsuNebi, Noa and Finsterweiss. We’ve never met in person and might never do so. However, I get to be my authentic self with them, discuss music and support our favorite musicians together. They bring joy to my life and I am so grateful for them.

I would have included Hizumi, because in the past we connected (at least I thought so) in small conversations. Through art and music, medical issues, and food. I truly don’t know exactly what changed. But his silence toward me has left an unfillable void. Perhaps the connection was one sided, perhaps I read too much into things and had the audacity to think someone like him would actually be friends with someone like me.

I even thought his bandmate, Kishi, was becoming a friend of sorts. But he doesn’t talk to me anymore either. I don’t know why. He doesn’t owe me anything, I just apparently misread the situation once again.

For all my confidence and outgoing nature, I am really bad at social cues, subtle nuances and hints. Direct, to the point… that’s what I need to understand where I stand with people. I don’t know if it’s the ADHD, Hashimoto’s brain fog, past trauma, past head injuries or that I may be on the autistism spectrum. Or a combination of all of it, making my brain not understand boundaries of online communication.

I know online most people project the image of themselves that they want people to see. But for me, it’s where I am truly free to be real. I don’t have to wear a mask or change to fit in. My inner circle is very small. But I am not lonely. Well, most of the time I’m not.

Do I want to share my life and heart with someone again? Yes. However, it will not be someone from this town, state or country. What I want and need isn’t here and never has been. I know my worth now. My name means “worthy of love” and I give unconditional love to myself, value myself enough to never settle for less than I deserve again.

And on that note, I need to go to bed. It’s now 3:30 am and I have one more night of work to get through before my time off.

Apologies for this being an English language only post. I lost track of time and desperately need sleep before my work shift later today.