Posted May 28, 2025 at approximately 6 pm (in the US)

Posted on May 29, 2025, at approximately 8:00 a.m. (in Japan)

Tomorrow begins the last year of my “feral 40’s”. I am only reminded of my real age when my body protests. My brain mostly thinks I’m still in my 20’s.  I was born as a Gemini during a mercury retrograde. Chaos is part of who I’ve always been, whether wanted or not. That’s one reason this blog is named “Chaotic Sympathy”. Ironically the phrase comes from a NUL song titled “Karma Agnostic”, and I am anything but agnostic when it comes to karma and fate.

Today’s painting is one of abstract origin, but the meaning behind it is not. Starting with the numbers 4 and 9.  In Japanese culture these numbers are considered bad luck because of their pronunciation. 4 sounds similar to death, and 9 is suffering.

Also, in other instances, 4 is represented by green, and 9 by blue. Green is a grounding color associated with nature, stability and practicality. Blue has a calming, peaceful nature and can represent the completion of a cycle or transition to a new phase.

In Japanese culture, green is the color of life and growth; black is powerful but can also represent evil and destruction; white is sacred but can also represent death and mourning; and blue is the color of purity and serenity.

I don’t know the technical term for it, but I call it a duality canvas. One half black with green, the other white with blue. The paint was poured and then I used my breath to move it around the canvas, blending the four colors in the middle. Technically five colors were used. I mixed a pearlized color in with the blue and green to help the metallics shine.

I am not trying to tempt fate by using these numbers and colors. The choices have a purpose; the 4 and 9 obviously represent my age. Not only do these colors correspond to the numbers, but they are my two favorite colors, calm yet bold. Black and white create what is called “negative space. It simply means a place for the eye to rest from the chaos of other colors.

And this is where simplicity ends. The deeper meaning behind these colors has to do with my progress as an artist and a human being in 2019 and beyond. There has been destruction, there has been death, there has been mourning. There has been suffering. One cannot be spiritually reborn without these. This was a soul-shattering cycle of death and rebirth. Not in the sense of reincarnation, but in a much deeper sense. It freed me from the shackles of other people’s expectations that allowed me to be shaped into someone I am not. A necessary awakening.

It started with Garnet in 2007 and intensified in 2010 when my eyes connected with those gentle, intelligent, expressive brown eyes. We said nothing, just stared. When our hands touched, my anxiety vanished and a sense of peace washed over me. It was only a brief moment, but it was the beginning of my metamorphosis. I understood what my soul had needed all my life: creative expression without limits. And the courage to try.

After that, writing became easier. My mind seemed to wander into another realm at times. And when I returned to the present, the best writing ever was on the screen. No explanation for it. It continues to this day. Even sometimes when I create paintings.

While the creative process is taking place, joy and peace overflow within me. There is emotional release, there is freedom of thought, there is self-expression. There is love and awe. I do not know why I was given this gift of creativity from the universe. I do not know why the universe chose HIZUMI as a catalyst, but here we are 17 years later. His lyrics and the music KISHI and MASATO put to his words inspired some paintings, but not all.

I could write a whole book about what it means to have these three musicians in my life. I could philosophize for many chapters, but I won’t. Because the complete truth is uncertain and the desire to know is not necessary for my continued creativity.

Without further digression, here’s the process and the freshly completed painting. I don’t think it will look much different when it is completely dry. I apologize for my lack of skill in photography and photo editing. Thanks for reading this far.