August 22/23, 2026

I started this blog yesterday evening about 8 pm and promptly got sidetracked and spent 6 hours down a rabbit hole that had to be explored. So I finished it just now at 6 pm and am posting. Then I am going to bed early because I get up at 3 am for work and got little sleep last night. Another week begins.

In my “About Me” section it says my blog is named after a line in the song Karma Agnostic by NUL, which has become one of my life anthems. The song is from their second album Evila, released in 2022.

I’ve always been a creative person, yet haven’t always known how to express it. The one style of creativity that has been present throughout my life has been writing. It was always a dream to publish a book someday. Poetry, short stories, novels… so many projects begun but never finished.

There are many reasons I could give as to why, but does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? I wasn’t ready to share my voice with the world. There were lessons I had to learn, traumas to begin healing and a belief in myself to find.

I lived the chaos of this world from the day I was born. I survived it. I understood it on a visceral level. I found sanctuary inside the abyss. A prison disguised as safety. A place to rest when the chaos became too much. And it’s been a long, painful journey learning that I don’t have to be this way. That’s why the line from Karma Agnostic caught my attention- “Breaking dawn, breaking down, Chaotic Sympathy”. I experience the magic of a sunrise, not just observe it (more so than a sunset), I know what it means to break down completely, and like I said, I understand chaos.

As I worked on the translation, I realized it was more than just those six words that resonated. I have spent my life seeking spirituality, one religion or practice at a time for decades. I wanted to believe in something- a higher purpose, a god, anything that might help me understand this life and all the injustices humans endure.

I stated it in a previous blog but I will repeat it here- I believe in the Universe and fate. Fate is not set in stone. Our actions, reactions, connections- they all can change the course of fate.

The universe is energy. Fueled by connections between souls. A place where choices matter and have consequences, there are lessons to be learned, in order to be the best version of self that you can be in each lifetime. But without the threat of eternal damnation if you don’t follow the rules.

Just because I don’t follow a religion or spiritual practice doesn’t mean I’m a heathen and damned. Those are labels perpetuated by the rules others follow without question. I am not here to change minds or indoctrinate anyone. I am not imposing my beliefs onto anyone. Make no mistake- I have high morals and a strong sense of justice. Not because I am told to, because it is right and true deep within me.

And being this way has irritated many people in my life. That is their problem, not mine. I am not hurting anyone… I go out of my way to avoid it. But I am no longer sacrificing my happiness and peace to placate, argue and defend my beliefs.

All of this leads me to the other sections of the song that captured the attention of my ever curious mind. “Until the very end, in a world that shows not even a glimmer of hope- To remain myself, I devour the pitch-black darkness and CRY OUT”

By choosing to remain true to what I believe, by refusing to let my past break me, until the last moment of my life- I am honoring and loving myself. I am not letting this world destroy what is good in me, though it has tried valiantly. I know the darkness intimately. It is a part of me, just as the light is. But they are not the sum total of my existence.

The next lines to catch my attention- “Take up the weapon you’ve been given and pierce through karma. Not by destiny, but with your own hands, paint the ERA. Struggle against the limits of time.”

The first two parts of that gave me a challenge in translating. I start with the basics- just the translation of the words. And then I try to find the actual meaning behind the words. One thing I’ve noticed about Hizumi’s writing- he tends to use unusual kanji (like mogaite in Soul Cage), or phrasing that is like a puzzle piece. He didn’t use the word “create” he specifically used the kanji for “paint a picture”. He chose to use an artist’s mindset as a tool of defiance against the oftentimes cruel world.

Of course that piqued my curiosity immediately, as I’m an abstract artist. However, these lines are not about literally dipping your brush in paint and marking upon a canvas. It’s about taking what Destiny or Fate hands you and choosing to gesso over it (white or grey wash over entire canvas) and create from your own vision, the life you want.

The weapons I have been given? An insatiable mind, creativity, compassion, empathy… the list is long. And I’ve only come to realize in the last two years, that these are not weaknesses but strengths.

The last line- struggle against the limits of time.  None of us know how long we have. At 50 years old I am finally finding meaning and purpose in a long and challenging life. I am combining all of those “weapons” into one- my voice. In paint and in words, I am taking whatever time I have left and making it meaningful.

I have been posting here less often because I have been working on stock for the crafts business I started with my bestie. But I have also begun writing a book. One I will finish and publish. It’s time. I’m ready.  And now I’m giggling because that brought to mind the powerful lyrics from Rapture by Desray. Another life anthem for sure.

I don’t know how long it will take me. I work a full time job and do crochet and writing when I have the energy, drive and inspiration to do so. I have to learn how to format a book for digital and physical forms. I have to try and design a cover, and write all the parts of the book that are extra (the forward, the table of contents etc), and I have to translate it all into Japanese because that is an important element of this creative endeavor. I have a lot of tech/digital stuff to learn, which is daunting because it’s never been easy for me. But learn I will.

Thank you for reading! Take care until next time.

Amanda