July 25, 2026   4:28 am

About midnight I woke up, less violently than the last time at least. But it wasn’t a good dream. It also wasn’t a nightmare. It was just sad.

I dreamed about James (Jamiss, my Gemini twin). We were sitting outside, in the Texas house’s yard, by the bonfire drinking a Shiner Bock (Texas craft beer) together. Comfortable silence until he says, “You can’t fix him and should stop trying. He will only keep hurting you. You need to let go.”

“Can we not talk about it and just look at the stars,” I asked. And we did for a few minutes. Until he quietly said, “You know I’m right.” To which dream me only sighed.

I woke myself up talking out loud, “I just miss him so much.” I laid there in my dark room for a moment, then paused the song that was playing. It wasn’t my ex we were discussing. I don’t miss a fucking thing about that man.

I did fall back to sleep without turning the music back on. Then I woke up at 4 am thinking I was going to be late for work. Which, in fact, I was not going to be.  It’s Saturday, day one of my two days off.

8:30 am

I don’t know where I was going with this. Not sure if it’s meant to be the start of a blog or just a dream diary. Because my daughter decided to have conversation with me before the coffee even kicked in. I don’t begrudge her time and attention, I actually greatly enjoy talking with her. But it completely derailed my thought process and hyper-focus LOL

And then Bestie called and I was further distracted from what I had started to write. She wants to come over today to swap yarn and chat. Which I also don’t mind, but I am so over people for the week.  I just wanted to sit and listen to music and either write or crochet. To decompress after this last week at work and the health issues that came up.

That’s what most people don’t understand about me. Because I’ve never really had the words to explain it in a way they can understand and not be hurt by. I’m fairly certain I have level 1 autism and have my whole life. Known as high functioning. I’ve been researching. It explains a lot. I may write a whole blog about it at a later date.

It’s not that I don’t care about or love my people. It’s not that I don’t want to talk or visit. It’s that I need space and time to decompress. And I can’t do that around others. There’s always that part of me that thinks I’m being selfish for needing to be completely alone at times to process life. And I know that’s the ego and programming trying to make me feel bad. At least now I recognize it for what it is… both my need and the thoughts that come with that need.

I’m finally at a place in my healing journey that I’m not completely shutdown and running survival mode programming. I do revert to that once in awhile, but it’s no longer my normal every moment of every day state of being.

One of the things I discussed with my daughter this morning is intuition and vibes. It never occurred to me that other people don’t have an instant feeling or thought about a person before a word is even spoken between you. But she hasn’t ever experienced it.

An example- my current boss. I was going to keep an open mind and try to get to know her before making any judgment on whether or not we could compatibly work together. The moment she walked through the door on her first day, I went on high alert. My body sensed something not right in the atmosphere.

In the past, I would have pushed that aside and forced myself to ignore it. But this current me? No way. Because that feeling of impending doom was strong. In the past, ignoring that has led to situations I should have avoided. Current me has promised to never do that again.

And now, back to the dream and it’s meaning. That was my logical brain trying to tell me what I already know but have been resisting.

I am and always have been a “fixer”. The one everyone comes to. And rarely is it reciprocated. Even strangers will open up and tell me their life story or the problem they are trying to navigate. I don’t invite this conversation. Not in my body language, words or facial expressions.

Not everyone understands just how draining that can be. I genuinely want to help people, especially the ones I love. But because I carry so much from so many that I never asked for… it leaves little left over for the ones who are actually important to me. I’m trying to learn how to detach and not absorb it all, but it’s difficult when everything else is so out of whack. Hence why I require space and time alone.

And now I understand how he must feel a lot of the time. Everyone wants something from you but rarely give back the same open, helpful, healing energy. And I fear I’ve been one of those draining people.

In the last eight years I have been struggling to work through everything. The last two years in Texas and the six years since leaving. He has been there for all of it until December of 2024. I placed a heavy burden on him that he didn’t ask for. It was done subconsciously, but still a burden.

I can’t fix him because I am part of the problem. By not accepting that the silence and withdrawal is something he has needed for the nearly 20 months it’s been.  I am the one who needs to be silent now and withdraw my intense, chaotic energy from the connection.

Cont. 3 pm

No one will ever convince me there isn’t a connection between us. I just can’t find the words to explain it to those who aren’t experiencing it personally. Everything I’ve tried to write screams “fan ghoul/ obsessed/delusional”, and that’s not it at all.

But today I am finally letting go of needing to communicate with him like we used to. I’m letting go of needing validation for what I know is true because of intuition and logic. I won’t stop listening to the music. I won’t stop creating art and poetry inspired by the connection we share.

Because I’ve tried that before and I was not in a good place. I can deal with the darkness, the abyss. But not at the depths I slowly sank to between December 2024 and February 2026. There are limits to what even my chaotically sympathetic soul can withstand.

Do I miss talking to him, oh gods, yes.  But I will no longer place the burden of my healing and emotions upon him. It is not his to carry and never has been. In this one way I can still help and protect him. By carrying my own burdens and being responsible for my own healing.

I have to do all of this while continuing to work and figure out my physical health. It’s not going to be easy, by any means. But it will be worth it, in the end.

“You can’t fix him and should stop trying. He will only keep hurting you. You need to let go.”

I would like to clarify that he has never intentionally caused me hurt. Not once. It’s not in his nature as a Pisces or as a Japanese man. The hurt I experienced isn’t his fault. It belongs to me. I cannot place the blame on someone who was just trying to find their own safe space to decompress from a high pressure life and deal with his grief in private. If I hadn’t been so full of chaos, I would have realized it sooner.

I can’t change the past. I can only strive to do and be better now. No, I will not stop listening to the music or being creatively inspired. Because he is truly one of the very few people who have seen the worst and best in me.

The music speaks to me on a deeply personal level, bringing comfort to a life that has had far too little, for far too long. I need every bit of comfort and power it can give, if I’m going to finally do the hard work required to be the best version of myself.

And that involves silence and withdrawing from one of the few people I have felt a spiritual connection with in this life. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if irreparable damage has already been done.

But I pray, someday, we can put this exorbitantly tumultuous part of life behind us and move forward together. As friends. As kindred spirits. Because that’s rare, in this world and should be valued and respected. I just hope I haven’t come to this realization too late.

Always,

Amanda