May 14, 2026 5:57 pm

Where do I even begin? Sixteen long years since Despairs Ray made new music. It seems a lifetime ago. I mourned deeply. And now, I’m not sure how to feel… obviously joyous because they are reborn. But I truly grieved the loss of them as a band (as many fans did.) We kept the flame alive by keeping the music playing all these years, but I never thought the stars would align and bring them back to us. The four of them- Hizumi, Tsukasa, Zero and Karyu have something most bands don’t truly have. I can’t explain it, I just know its not common. These men were born to make music together, not separately.

As I sit here trying to write this blog around all the chaotic thoughts in my head, I’m listening to the new song- Rapture- on repeat. That’s how I best learn the lyrics. And I’m crying… I hate crying but I can’t stop. There is a chasm inside of me that feels hollow… empty… dark… desolate… and all the other words that aren’t quite right. And warring with that is the absolute heart bursting joy at hearing this new Desray. The music… the vocals… the words themselves (a translation for me) all of it is… fuck. Where are the words when I need them??? How can I be a writer and not be able to describe what is happening inside me?

I’m a fucked up mess. There’s no way around it. Who else would attach so deeply to someone from a completely different world? He’s considered famous. I’m a boring regular person that some would think is just another fan ghoul. He’s from Japan. I’m in the cesspool called the United States. He’s got talent oozing from every pore and I do not, only inspired moments. He is a person who has overcome many of his trials and found ways to work with his limitations. I drown in pain because it’s all I’ve known and I’m too tired to keep fighting. He is a brilliant star, rising higher again… and I am tethered to the ground, wings broken and voiceless.

But he was the first person who I let see parts of the real me that I kept hidden from nearly everyone in my life… the one behind the layers of masks… and he didn’t run away screaming. Maybe I was mistaken in thinking there was a connection between us. I thought we were becoming friends. The gods know I’ve been desperately wrong before, many times. However, we had a lot in common and interesting short interactions. Or I misread it all and he was just being nice. Whatever that was or wasn’t between us ended in abrupt silence 18 months ago. And I’ve felt this gaping wound ever since.

Just when I think I’m getting better, (I have a few good days or weeks,) and then the darkness creeps in. The chain snaps me back to earth again, and I crash hard. Someone please tell me how I can get past this… How do I fill the chasm he left behind? I lovingly torture myself repeatedly playing all of his music because at least while its playing I can pretend we aren’t at odds and that my life isn’t so empty and unfulfilling. I feel so deeply, so jarringly real and alive when the music (whether its NUL or DR) is blasting that I think I can take on the world.

But then the music stops and I realize I’m not strong enough to do that anymore, if I ever was. The soul is weary and battered but wants to keep fighting. It’s the mind and body that are beyond exhausted with the never ending battles and constant pain that I’ve learned to live with. I haven’t been this bad in a long time.

Don’t fear, I will continue on. This life will not end until it ends. I won’t hurry that ending along, no matter how utterly over surviving this forsaken life I am at this point in time. Good days will come again. But for now I need to just keep going somehow.

So again, I ask- how do I keep going when he was a big reason I am even here to this day? Without him, how do I begin living life again, not just enduring it? How do I let him go when he’s been such an integral part in my survival up to now? How do I stop hurting? Should I rebuild the walls? I don’t think I even remember how.

I know how crazy I must sound to most of you. I’ve questioned my own sanity, believe me. And still… he’s so deeply ingrained in my core that I fear if I cut him out, I will have nothing left. That’s not someone I want to be… a shadow. And yet, what else can I do? Because he has surely cut me out of his life. He probably thinks I’m insane. And I don’t blame him. I’m a lot to deal with for myself, let alone everyone else. More and more, I wish I wasn’t like this.

The music is all I have left of our connection… or imagined connection.  I’m not strong enough to stop listening to it. Because it is part of my battle cry. Every day I hype myself up for another day with a song that brings hope, strength and energy. But eventually, the stress of my job and this pain riddled chronically ill body just laugh and tell me to sit down and shut up.

Rapture… the music, the lyrics, the meaning… it has broken me in ways even the AVA album by NUL didn’t. And I am truly happy that he and the band members are back. It’s where they belong. The special thing they have as a band, a family, is what makes this so much more painful inside me. Because now I don’t have to grieve the loss of them. I should be reveling in it all, and part of me is… the soul. But the mind and heart are aching and bleeding for what I’ve lost. If I ever really had it in the first place.

Did I know being a Gemini born during a Mercury Retrograde was going to be this chaotically painful? If I did, why the fuck did I choose to be reborn as this? Unconditional love is easy for me… but apparently not most people. Just once in this life I want to be able to be in love with someone who won’t use, abuse or try to stifle the creativity in me. And not be seen as an obsessed fan. That’s not what I am. I can’t explain it… words fail me.

I try to let go of the past, but it won’t release me. I’ve been on this earth nearly 50 years… and that’s a lot of hurt and betrayal to try to overcome. Every step forward is a victory, but at times like this, I ask myself why keep fighting for something I may be too broken and damaged to truly appreciate? Would I even recognize it, if it shows up someday? I’ve been single since July 2020, almost 6 years. Because I choose to not keep falling into the same shit as before. I barely recovered from the last one. I won’t survive it again.

I have doubts, fears, scars, a past full of trauma and a fate I don’t even understand… I just wish I knew what was in store for me. There has to be something beyond pain and betrayal, right? Can I be my own redeemer? I’m going to have to keep trying, because there’s no one else telling me they will fight for my heart. There’s no one coming to save me. Am I strong enough to keep trying to save myself? Or should I just accept this is how it’s going to be for whatever time I have left?

Enough. I need sleep. Insomnia is kicking my ass hard this year. Tomorrow is another day.

There’s a reason this blog page is called Chaotic Sympathy… you all just survived a deep dive into it, if you’ve read this far. Thanks for being here.