I know it’s been awhile. Life has been a roller coaster lately.

I’ve been at my place of employment for over 4 years now. And I’m currently on my 6^th manager. I struggle to connect with authority on a good day, but the constant changes in the hierarchy are astoundingly annoying. Our latest manager is all of 25 years old, started two weeks ago and was on vacation all last week.

Which left my assistant manager in charge… and she didn’t handle the stress of it well because of her own health issues. I tried my best to take on what I have the authority to do… I’m not a member of management so some things are off limits.  On Friday I left an hour late because cooler needed done desperately. And then went back in for another two and a half hours to cover for someone who had to go home because she felt sick.

Part of me wants to be salty about these younger kids not being able to do the job/ calling in sick when they aren’t really sick/making their own schedules outside of the hours they are scheduled for, etc. This is not a hard job by any means. It’s cashier at a convenience store. The hardest part is standing at the register for hours on end with non-stop customers. We don’t get to sit down. We don’t have scheduled breaks because in our state it’s not mandatory… not even a lunch break. They do have to allow us to go to the bathroom at least.

Why would I be salty? Because I am going to be 50 this month. I’ve had chronic back pain from a serious injury I sustained at the age of 21. And since the age of 28, I’ve had an autoimmune disease trying to kill me on the daily. I worked with COVID the second time and a few months later with pneumonia for a week… before my body had enough. Knocking on death’s door, I drove myself to the ER and was admitted for four days, on five IV antibiotics and had to have a blood transfusion because my anemia was complicating the pneumonia.

And I run circles around these co-workers half my age. I shouldn’t have to, but if I don’t do stuff no one else will. And unfortunately they know it and take advantage of it. I take pride in doing my job well and helping the company succeed. They are there for a paycheck. I’m there for survival. This job that I made myself great at, is all that’s keeping me from being homeless and starving again. I’m never going to be that again, if I can help it.

Yet, no one sees the mental gymnastics I do every minute of every day I work. When I was very young, in the 1980s, girls were very seldomly diagnosed with ADHD or Autism. I was finally diagnosed with ADHD when I was about 37 I think. But I’ve never been on medication for it, because it was never offered and I had no idea what was available for someone my age. And now, I don’t have insurance so it’s a moot point.

I haven’t been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been there all along. I can’t afford to try getting diagnosed with no insurance. And what good would a diagnosis do me anyway? Ten years after onset of symptoms I finally got the official Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis diagnosis and still no treatment other than what I’ve taught myself through trial and error and a lot of research… and the ADHD one after a lifetime of struggling and adapting.

But I digress. Despite the work week being shit, today was a very productive day for me. I cleaned off my desk (which hasn’t been done in over a year), then I went through and deleted almost 2000 emails between my 3 accounts…  I also transferred 98% of the photos and videos from my phone to my computer. I dusted my furniture and fixed real food for dinner, not boxed or canned stuff.

I can’t control the work stuff, but I can control my home environment which is my safe place. It’s where I don’t have to mask. Where I can relax and be my uniquely, weirdly, wonderful self.

My bestie and I are embarking on an adventure. I can’t give details yet, but it’s a good thing, and could mean extra income… which is desperately needed since inflation is through the stratosphere right now. I may end up walking to work again if gas prices get much higher.

Also, yesterday was the 28^th anniversary of the death of my first favorite Japanese musician. Hideto Matsumoto, guitar god, with an amazing sense of style and a marshmallow heart in spite of his tough image and sometimes risque song lyrics. I didn’t forget. I just wanted to remember him quietly in my own way.

It’s been a long life so far with many trials and tribulations. And yet I still hope and dream, believe that most people are basically good, and find joy where and when I can. Now if I can find more peaceful moments than stressful, I will consider it a life well lived. I have my adult child, a bestie who I call a sister because we are so close, I have creativity and a stubborn streak that has kept me going so far… I don’t need romantic love to complete me. I am complete on my own.

Thanks for reading. I will try to get back into the habit of blogging more often.