I researched the meaning of all the surnames in my immediate family. None of them fit the vision of who I am going forward into the last half of my life.

Why do I want to change my surname? Many reasons. There are no good emotions attached to the current surname. It means “one who tends sheep.” The closest I’ve come to sheep is buying wool yarn. It’s the name I was born into and always thought it would change with marriage.

But that never happened, though I was engaged twice. Sadly, all of my relationships have ended because the men cheated. Apparently I trusted too easily and was a bad judge of character.  Intuition was ignored a lot.

At my current location, there’s little hope of finding love and commitment. This is the town of my birth and though I’ve escaped it many times, it sucks me back in like a black hole. All that’s here is more of the same. I’m worth more than a quick fling or someone to ease loneliness until someone else comes along. If I decide to get into another relationship it will be a true partnership with a foundation of love, respect and trust.

I try not to dwell on the past or future because the past is over and the future is not promised. All we have is “Now”. It’s a learning process. I’m not completely used to being “Unmasked” yet.

The first half of my life was spent being what other people expected me to be. I have been an innocent maiden, a loving mother, an abuse survivor… and through it all I’ve hidden behind emotional walls and masks. There’s so much about me that even family and closest friends don’t know. The only one who knows more of the real me than anyone, is my adult child (who still lives with me). We have been through hell together, and neither of us wants to carry on the surname just because it’s what we were born into.

Now begins the “crone” era,  I’m guarded but growing more confident in my place in this world. Older, wiser. If I cannot marry for love and take the name of a loyal, kind, adoring and trustworthy husband… then a name must be chosen that I can be proud to have until my dying day.

And that’s where I’m faltering. Overthinking it. Giving myself too many choices. And truthfully, I want to use a Japanese surname. I just don’t know if it would be seen as appropriation or not.  I’m not doing it to be cool or trendy.

It’s no secret that Japan is the home of my heart. The language itself is like music, a flowing melody that I can never hope to master.  I long for a place near the ocean, or the mountains and forests. the natural beauty of the lanscapes call to me, peaceful and powerful at the same time.  

I honestly believe the universe got wires crossed and my soul was sent to the wrong place, the wrong family. I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong.

Do you know how little exposure I had to anything Japanese growing up in the 80’s in the midwest US? The Karate Kid movies. And in high school we had a week of learning to write haiku in my Creative Writing class. That’s it. There were not many resources for learning about Japan, the language or music. Not like now. And yet I was drawn to it on a subconscious level.

For all the bad blood between my former best friend and I, she was integral in my introduction to anime and Japanese music. To this day there aren’t many anime I watch, but the music grabbed my attention. However, I found (just like with other music) I can’t listen to most female singers. It’s just not pleasant to the ears or brain.

But rock music with male singers?  definitely. Since 2006 I have mostly listened to JRock, with some alternative rock and metal in English. Over the years I’ve used inferior translation programs, but thankfully those have improved greatly. One would think I’d be fluent by now… but its easier to sing than speak. And with English- better at writing than talking to people.

That’s just one reason I’m not a typical Gemini social butterfly… I’m not an outrageous flirt nor the life of the party and I don’t like to be around groups of people all the time. I need space and alone time to decompress from the world’s demands.  Time to create art, crochet or write.

I’m not afraid of much in this world, but big cities… being around all the sounds, people, traffic etc… it drains me. It’s almost claustrophobic, a trapped feeling. But maybe that’s just big cities in the US? Our crime rates are astronomical. Even the small town I live in (of 35,000 people) has a higher crime rate than Rochester, Minnesota where the Mayo Clinic is, a much bigger place.

But unless I win the lottery I don’t play- I’m stuck where I don’t belong, around people I don’t want to know, and men who just want a “fun time”. That’s not how I want to live the rest of my life, however much of it is left.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve had a glimpse of what it’s like inside my head most of the time. The only thing missing is background music. I have unmedicated ADHD (also untreated chronic pain and autoimmune disease) because the US economy is tanked, we’re on the verge of another civil war, healthcare is controlled by insurance companies for profit and I barely make enough at my job to pay bills and buy groceries (though I make double the minimum wage.) I still owe over 25,000 USD for the Emergency Room treatments and 4 day hospital stay when I had pneumonia in February.

I know other countries have it worse. Other people have it worse. Life’s a lot better than five years ago. But I want more- a life that’s not just working to pay bills. Spiritually I am in a good place, more good days than bad. I am on the right path, finding joy and a measure of peace, having more time to be creative.

And yet, this soul longs for more. And I’m not sure how to give it what it wants… connecting with people I care about is hard when there’s half a world separating us, obstacles like language and culture differences… I keep trying. I don’t know what else to do, but I don’t give up easily.