In a life that keeps throwing darkness at me

May 23, 2026 blog At 2:30 pm

“Stop people pleasing!” Bestie said today.  I was talking about how sad I was that my headphones were broken, and now I had to use the bluetooth speaker and play my music out loud. Sometimes I need my Capricorn bestie to make me realize I’m doing a lot of living like I’m still in Texas…even six years later.

I was worried about annoying the neighbors and possibly my daughter with my music choices. Because for a decade plus it’s been my habit to only listen to music with headphones on so as not to be a bother.

I know my musical preferences, and my ADHD tendencies to replay songs/ playlists over and over are not what other people like or understand.

The thing is, I don’t listen to music at a loud volume. In fact, I’m not sure my neighbors can hear my music at all. So maybe the headphones breaking today was a blessing… one more step on my healing journey of letting go of the trauma in my past. Considering they were purchased by my ex, and a daily accessory of my person for the entirety of my existence in that house, it’s for the best. I tried a repair job, but it didn’t hold.

Continued on May 24, 2026

At 8:30 am

Bestie called me as I was writing the first part of this blog yesterday. She decided we needed to take a trip to Ankeny, Iowa (about an hour drive south) to go to Michael’s… a great hobby supply store. Because we needed a lot of cotton yarn. So we went, and spent two hours picking out colors and filling two carts with small skeins. Some of the yarn she purchased was chunky chenille yarn for her amigurumi animals. It was an expensive trip but needed to be done.

Why did we need so much yarn? Well, that’s because my bestie and I started a business together that became officially a business partnership as of May 3, 2026. She’s been casually mentioning it for about two years, and finally I’m at a place in my life with work that I have time to crochet every day and participate in what it takes to make a business of crafts work.

We have been setting up an email, deciding on a name, ordered business cards, getting supplies stocked up, a list of products we will make to sell, getting patterns gathered together and tested, and deciding on prices so we can make a price list.

I had to sort through all of my acrylic yarn to see what I could work with. I have developed a sensitivity to rough yarn, so if it doesn’t feel soft or smooth, then I put it in the donation pile. The trunk of my car, Big Bertha Buick, is full of boxes and bags to donate, so it’s no longer taking up space in my living room.

Now with the influx of new yarn I have to re-organize and find places for everything. Preferably in a clear container or within my sight because I will forget about it if I don’t see it. I might actually make an inventory list. But then I would have to maintain it, to keep it accurate.

Aside from setting up all the business stuff and making stock for selling, we need to find ways to advertise. Bestie wants to do a Facebook group to start, and use the Facebook marketplace to sell, plus vendor events. The problem with vendor events is, you have to pay a fee for a space. If you don’t make that cost back, you’re not making any profit.

Personally, I think we need our own website and a blog, but she’s not sold on that idea. There are a lot of upfront expenses, and we are limited in funds we can contribute beyond supplies. I know there are free website hosting sights and blog hosting sites. I use one of those to publish this blog. Granted, I don’t have a large audience, but that’s due to my inconsistent posting and lack of advertising. Plus this blog has become less about my art and more about the chaotic ocean of my life and emotions.

My artwork will be part of our business. It’s not going to be just all crochet items. Bestie’s youngest daughter is also an aspiring artist who wants me to teach her my techniques. Everyone… I am not a great teacher. Most of the time I’m in a trance-like state when I paint and don’t remember how I created some of my works of art. So how can I teach someone when I don’t remember how to do it?

Gravity, the painting is one of those I can’t seem to replicate because I was just letting my hands do what they wanted to do while my brain went into the music and didn’t contribute any thoughts to the process. I’m an intuitive painter. An abstract artist. When I try to make things look like things, and people look like people, it doesn’t work out very well. (examples are- Soul Cage, Zankou and one I started for Reimei and haven’t finished)

To be honest, the last time I painted was when I was angry that I hadn’t painted in months… so I squeezed some paint from the tube onto my hand and then slapped my hand onto the canvas, before blending paint in varying shades around it. While it turned out to be one of my favorite paintings I’ve done so far (second only to Gravity), it’s hard to find any motivation or inspiration for painting these days.

I can’t even do pour painting like I started with back in 2018. I’ve tried. I’ve followed my notes for paint consistency and flow, done all the techniques right but they just turn out meh.

Alas, I need to go organize my various cotton yarns instead of sitting on my behind. And work on lists of year round items and seasonal items… time tables for when to start making seasonal/holiday products. And at some point I will have to get back to writing out patterns and putting in a binder… and making actual items.

A five hour shopping trip was not on my agenda for this weekend but it was needed. So much to do, so little time to accomplish it all. But I will make it work somehow.

My bestie has a totally different sleep schedule than me and a houseful of people to work around, one of which is an autistic teenage boy who gets annoyed by his nieces and nephew.  Bestie’s oldest daughter had to move in until she could save up for and get approved for an apartment. Makes for a crowded, chaotic house.

This week at work is only 4 days, as is next week. I took PTO for Friday (my birthday) and the Monday after so I could have a four day weekend… a mini vacation. But it will be a “working on the business” weekend, not an actual go anywhere vacation. I technically have enough PTO saved up that I could take an entire month off if I was so inclined. But with the way things are going lately at work, I might not have a job to go back to if I did that.

For the first few days of my “register only” shifts at work, I was okay. It was a nice change from being the only one trying to do all the cleaning, stocking and running of the register. But after two weeks of it now, my body is not happy. And neither is my brain. I’m good at the job, but I need a breather now and then from the constant inflow of people and being forced to wear the mask of friendly, helpful customer service agent when I’m in pain and overstimulated by the noise, lights and people. I need to be able to move around to keep my back from hurting and legs from swelling and hurting something fierce every damn day.

In five and a half years, the large debt I owe will be paid off. Then I can start saving up for retirement… in another country. And by retirement I mean from a corporate/company job. I will never be retired from my creative endeavors.

On that note, I’m off to start the ice maker and finish sorting my yarn. Thanks for reading!